You may think of me as a simple gardener. Sure my nails are dirty, I often have dog poop on the bottom of my shoes, but that doesn't mean that I don't have anything meaningful to say. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I remember. Okay guys. It's that day when you put everything else on hold, contemplate the deep recesses of life and really bask in the beauty of it. No, it's not Super Bowl Sunday... Nope. Not the first day of hunting season either. This is the one occassion, other than our anniversay or our wife's/girlfriends birthday that you don't want to mess up. Yep, it's Valentine's Day. Now if you are like the myriads of men that are not prepared don't try and make excuses and for Pete's sake DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT downplay V-day. If you have 1/4 of a brain don't say anything closely resembling, "It's just a Hallmark Holiday". Guys need to have a plan in order to stay out of trouble and since I'm looking out for you...
Here are a few DO NOT DO'S this Valentines Day:
1. Do not buy her an appliance for Valentine's. You will pay a serious and eternal price for this. Oh, unless the appliance costs less than a diamond ring. Women love saavy men. It's very important that when giving appliances you should always take the time to wrap them.
2. You didn't buy into that Vermont Teddy Bear commercial did you? Idiot! You could have gone to Opry Mills and put one together with her. I hear that there's a great new "camoflauge bear" collection for 2007. TIP: Get her a gift certificate to build-a-boar and she can take a friend with her on a more convenient day. Don't be lazy, put the gift certificate in a card and sign it. Spray the card with Aqua Velvet to increase your "chances" later.
3. Be classy. You don't have to spend a lot of money to show how much you like/love someone. Think creatively and if it can be wrapped, well, wrap it! TIP: If you're buying her a can of beer... 'wrap it' in a bag you big dope!
4. Don't be over the top. If you hope, plan on, wish that you will be with her the next Valentine's Day then don't set yourself up for failure. Eventually you will not be able to top the previous year's celebration --so play it cool, play it romantic and play it to win. Okay, the bottom line is that if you go over the top for your date--- our wive's / girlfriends will hear about it and we'll pay. Look out for your brother and back off a little, okay?
5. Do not buy her a heart shaped diamond ring. Please, I beg you. It's not too late to send it back (or if it is too late to return it, you could take a screw drive and bend it into a circle or something not resembling a heart).
6. So you think you're just going to be able to walk into F. Scott's without a reservation on Valentine's? Doh! TIP: If all else fails, Publix has a great deli --- and it's classy (see you there, Greggg).
7. Unless your date lives in Antioch, cheap lingerie does not say "I Love You". It says, "you are a tramp". So, be sure to include a box of chocolates, too.
8. Thinking about proposing on Valentine's? Ehhhh, there's a better date out there. Valentine's is not very original. TIP: April 1st is a great day for a proposal.
9. Look, V-Day is about her. If you focus on her, listen to her and look at her like she's the only woman in the room... then, later on it will be about you too. TIP: Wait 'til she gets up to use the powder room to get that babe's phone # that is sitting across the room. Remember, you've already invested a lot of dough with the date you currently have so you might as well stick it out the entire evening.
10. No, Sudoku is not an appropriate Valentine's gift or activity.
11. I am often asked, "Do we need to go out on Valentine's or is it okay if we stay in?" Feel free to stay inside since it's been 15 degrees for the past 2 months and she's going stir crazy. While you're at it, watch pay-per-view. Something like the "Best of WWWrestling" or anything with a lot of touching to stir up those romantic feelings. TIP: If you've purchased a wrestling video for her --- don't be an idiot ---wrap it.
12. TIP: Pheromones is not a noise that one of Charlie's Angels makes so don't waste your time looking into this.
13. Never, ever take serious advice from bloggers about dating relationships, love or beer. Okay, maybe the beer part is okay. Don't drink beer and drive! Take a cab, call a friend. You know the drill.
If you've got a TIP to share, leave a comment! We'd love to hear from you.